“It can’t happen to me.” So I thought when I developed breast cancer in April, 1999. I had been practicing macrobiotics devotedly and guiding others in this way of life for over twenty years, advising people daily how to deal with the illness I now manifested. Imagine my shock when I felt a small lump on my breast. I instinctively felt that it might be a big lesson for me, but I didn’t have enough years of faith to know that the body is physical; and the mind is free.
I consulted with my macrobiotic advisor who saw no reason for concern. When the area began to hurt, I arranged for a medical examination. Palpitations and a mammogram proved inconclusive, so my late husband and I continued with our macrobiotic lifestyle, thinking it enough to tighten up our practice to a more precise healing diet.
Nine months later a second medical checkup showed a whopping thirty-percent growth in my tumor! An alarmed examining surgeon performed a painful needle biopsy that sent me home in tears. I was surprised that my macrobiotic counselor concurred with his recommendation for immediate surgery. Rik further recommended chemotherapy for the initial shock it would give my body, but cautioned against the standard protocol of long term drugs such as Tamoxifin. I felt powerless in my slide toward the medical world so foreign to my normal health perspective. I had never been ill seriously before! I could only be grateful for all the years I had enjoyed good health without medical intervention.
In holistic terms cancer results from the stagnation of energy. Amelioration requires time, and the tumor growth was rapid. Shocked and tearful, I agreed to the surgery to help me open up physically until I had time to do so spiritually. I recognized that I was living my life with unresolved relationships, resistance to change and the contradiction of desire, all cases in point. With this, I was careful not to blame myself for human foibles.
My mastectomy revealed the cancer to be confined to my breast with no growth beyond the chest cavity. Two lymph nodes were found to be cancerous. I accepted a chemotherapy treatment of four sessions administered at three-week intervals. This procedure of drastic life saving was a debilitating experience of dehydration and illness entailing emergency hospitalization with intravenous transfusions three times. The oncologist admitted that he might have overdosed the drugs, so he cut down the individual dosage and added a fifth chemotherapy session. My opposition to the administered medical treatment was strong, and I was sicker than the horror stories I’d heard from so many well-meaning survivors. It was the lowest point of my life.
I hesitated to reveal my condition to the Jerusalem macrobiotic community, projecting their condemnation of me as if my illness proved macrobiotics–and me–a failure. I feared I had let them down. Contrary to my expectations, my illness actually united people. The phone rang constantly, locally and internationally. By week’s end our bedroom looked like a flower shop. So many people who we had helped in the past were returning all that they had received and more. Despite the misery of my condition, these personal outpourings of love raised my hopes and frame of mind. Thoughts of gratitude filled my heart as the upside of my cancer became increasingly clear.
With deep self reflection I realized that there are no guarantees in life. I determined to take personal responsibility for my illness and focus on my emotional and mental health. Even though I was awash in the world of hospitals and doctors, I considered medical intervention as adjunct to true healing. I actively sought programs that would help me release acknowledged anger, impatience and guilt.
I worked with a superb healer between chemotherapy sessions, met with an osteopath specializing in mind-body therapy regularly, and began yoga classes with an inspiring teacher and friend. My stint with the hospital psychiatric services was seemingly less successful – I found the staff psychiatrist to be lacking compassion and personal warmth. Finally I realized that saying no to him was actually a sign of inner strength. I frequently turned instead for reassurance to a clinical psychologist friend. I joined a prosperity workshop to address my relationship with money, organized an anger workshop and joined a meditation group. I learned healing visualizations to release resistance. These avenues of spiritual growth eased my anxiety about the cause and cure of my disease.
One of my most rewarding healing experiences involved a workshop based on the teachings of Louise Hay. This ten-session course coincided with my scheduled fourth chemotherapy session. I knew that I could only manage one or the other. The strength and support I garnered from these gatherings set me firmly on the path of recovery. I found it empowering and reassuring to be making changes that could affect my future. The value of my medical treatment and my ability to survive it was becoming doubtful in my mind. Still, I suffered great personal anxiety in the face of heavy medical and family pressure to continue.
Finally I understood that it was up to me. Chemotherapy had jolted my system out of its chaotic growth pattern. Now it was up to me to initiate deeper healing. I made the brave decision to take charge of my own health regardless of protocol, pressure or personal fear. As I discovered the power of my mind I began to love myself more. Little by little the gifts of my illness were beginning to shine through. So many doors had been opened, and I knew now that I was in charge of my life.
I was delighted to realize the progression in my thinking. Before I got ill I was caught in my belief that diet was the cause and cure of health, not realizing that the mind is responsible for choosing the food, so it it superior. This thinking kept me a prisoner of my kitchen, fearful to eat what I wanted. Today I believe that my tumor was created from a place of emotional vulnerability. While food and sentiment are a single continuum, the greater imbalance was on the side of emotion. I had left unresolved a dysfunctional and emotionally abusive personal relationship a few years before. Then I married into a family that was still healing its own divorce trauma, living as a bride with my husband and step-daughter whose role as Daddy’s housemate I had usurped. With her I recreated the emotional abuse I had just left behind. Our relationship of love still undergoes upheavals of fluctuation.
In addition I worked long hours advising people how to recover their health and solve personal issues. I remember a dream in which my students were pushing me up against a wall so I couldn’t escape. My husband and I were realizing that our orthodox religious practice didn’t satisfy our spiritual longing, and took the bold move of adopting a more universal expression of belief, risking both patronage and friendships. My elder sister was recovering from breast cancer, still another spotlight on the big C. All of this added up to a sense of rigidity and lack of control. In fact, anger was my abiding issue – I would erupt with frustration at things that didn’t go my way. I felt myself in a position of powerlessness.
I owe a great part of my recovery to Jerry and Esther Hicks and the teachings that they channel through Abraham concerning the law of attraction. I have learned to manifest my desires by allowing and letting in the well-being that abounds universally. With seminars and recordings I have steadily re-trained myself to seek positive aspects rather than dwell on the negative. I have been able to see my difficulties as wonderful avenues for joy and freedom.
I finally can understand my dis-ease as a reflection of my life choices and know with confidence that I can command my health. I surrender my arrogance about my invincibility and my magical thinking that it can’t happen to me. I realize that I am entitled to be unwell even to the point of serious illness. My empathy for sick people has deepened. Thanks to this experience I have healed deep emotional trauma and resentment that I would never have admitted. I am so grateful for the supportive environment of my loving husband and wonderful friends. Best of all is the wonderful relationship I cherish with my new family, particularly the step-daughter who was such a mirror for my growth. She and I share a closeness that provides me the joy of a mother-daughter relationship, something precious to me. The more I self reflect, the more my spirits rise.
Today, decades after my diagnosis, I have no symptoms of disease and abundant evidence of well being. My energy is vibrant and my mood upbeat. I am happier than I have ever been and truly grateful for the opportunity to change life patterns. Knowing myself better than ever, I use food, thought, breath and movement to fashion the experiences I desire. I affirm my ability to create my own personal health and happiness. These represent the most profound expression of life and the ones that I treasure most. To the degree that I can conceive health, I am well. To the degree that I can know God, I am whole. I have great gratitude for my experience of illness as a powerful new opening and for radiant health now. I am grateful for the opportunity to expand my understanding. I can truly say, “Thank God I had breast cancer!”
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